Hong Kong Wong

Recently, I was reading some translated news item over at Jayne Stars about husband-and-wife actors Julian Cheung and Anita Yuen (Miss Hong Kong 1990 and two-time Hong Kong Film Award winner for Best Actress), and their infant son Morton.

Morton?

Far be it from me to criticize an infant for something he can’t control like his name…so I shall blame his parents.

Morton???

I know celebrities have a penchant for screwing over their children with pretentious names like Scout or whatever, but usually the idea is to curse them with a name that’s supposedly cool or attention-grabbing at first blush. At the very least, pick something that’s dumbfounding. Only later are you supposed to realize the inanity of the child’s name–it’s supposed to explode on you with the suddenness of a suicide bomber. But with a name like “Morton” the inanity is right there, in your face. To me, the name “Morton” calls to mind three things: (1) Morton Downey, Jr.; (2) steakhouses; or (3) salt.

Let’s hope this doesn’t set a precedent for Morton’s future. Bad enough to be the offspring of celebrities. Even worse if you’re doomed to become the Hong Kong version of a raging right-wing American talk show host from the 1980s. Or a steak knife-wielding salt miner.

My condolences to you, Morton. No doubt therapy will have made great strides by the time you get it; I’m sure it will do wonders for you.

Image courtesy of Ta Kung Pao

Image courtesy of Ta Kung Pao

As these pictures of TVB actresses Linda Chung (top) and Fala Chen (bottom) attest, Dhani Jones’ Bow Tie “Revolucion” has swept through Hong Kong in advance of Father’s Day. However, I think several things got lost in the translation. First, I believe bow ties are usually worn by MEN (see Orville Redenbacher, Pee Wee Herman, Matthew Lesko, The Guy on the Pringles Can, et al.), not women. Second, they’re supposed to be smaller than the width of one’s shoulders, possibly smaller than the width of one’s neck, and not require the use of one’s hands to hold up. Finally, if one will be wearing a bow tie with a dress (not recommended), make sure the bow tie matches said dress. It would be particularly helpful if the bow tie did not clash with itself, either.

Apparently, Linda Chung (Miss Chinese International 2004) and Fala Chen (Runner-Up, Miss Chinese International 2005) have become very popular lately. Interestingly, both have two very different public images. Linda Chung, who hails from Vancouver, has the prototypical docile good-girl image, and appears very obedient to the whims of the TVB Powers-That-Be. As a result, TVB has apparently ramped up its publicity/propaganda machine and thrown its support behind her. This has won her the favor of the Hong Kong public and advertisers, despite Chung’s average-at-best looks and indiscernible acting talent.

Chen, on the other hand, has the image of a whore. Okay, that’s a little extreme and probably out of line. But as far as I can tell, Chen’s current public image can best be described as “flirty seductress/party girl.” Originally from China, she immigrated to the USA and made her way into the Hong Kong entertainment scene via a number of Asian-American beauty pageants from her secret base in Georgia(!). She’s also the Pride of Emory University, but has a weird penchant for putting random objects, particularly eating utensils and straws, in her hair. Highly ambitious, she will destroy anyone or anything that gets in her way.

Watch your back, Linda Chung…

(Click image for larger, clearer photo.)

This may be the greatest picture ever taken in Hong Kong. Better than the view of the Hong Kong Island skyline from Kowloon. Better than the view of Victoria Harbour from the Peak. Better than the view from that Ngong Ping 360 Skyrail Thingy. So what the heck is going on here?

What we have here is Miriam Yeung performing the splits on “Minutes to Fame,” TVB’s version of the “Gong Show.” Yeung co-hosts “Minutes to Fame” along with D.J. Sammy, the guy in the black shirt who looks as if he’s electrocuting his tongue with a microphone…and enjoying it. D.J. Sammy is, as his name clearly implies, a radio D.J. However, don’t let the name mislead you: he’s also a television host and a not-so-good actor. So his full name should really be D.J./Television Game Show Host/Mediocre Actor Sammy–D.J. Sammy for short. For her part, Yeung is a pop singer, actress, and former nurse. She’s also quite flexible. Clearly.

What lifts this photo above all the other run-of-the-mill pictures depicting Hong Kong pop starlets performing the splits on a pair of chairs being held by a radio D.J., a Grasshopper, and two muscular men, while surrounded by a mob of kids dressed in kung fu gear, is the look on Yeung’s face. It’s a look of serenity mixed with a dash of self-satisfaction and a pinch of defiance. Yes, defiance. And why not if you can open up your Baby Launcher like that?

Sammy had a great line to cap this moment off: “Congratulations, it was a smooth birth!” (Translation by TVBspace)

Hilarious, even though I don’t know exactly what it means. Does he mean the birth was so smooth that she can do the splits after pushing out a baby? Or does he mean that the birth was so smooth because she opened up her Slip ‘n Slide? No idea. All I know is that this is one of the all-time great pictures.

I’m sorry, did they add a biathlon component to Dancing with The Stars without telling us? Guess so.

And apparently you cut in on Stephen Ma at your own peril…

Note the scope on top of the rifle. If you’re going to shoot someone from long range, do you really think you should be doing it while ballroom dancing? And look at all the people in the background: “Yay, he’s shooting someone dead!! Yipee!!”