The Wong Blog

Just finished watching Episode 1 of Season 2 of The Amazing Race Asia. Spoilers forthcoming.

This season, there seems to be an inordinate amount of actress/models. [They need more fat, out-of-shape Indonesians like Mardy and Marsio from Season 1.] Almost everyone works in some form of mass media and seems to be participating in the race to further their careers. They must have smelled the bloody chum of publicity and now are circling like a bunch of famished sharks.

To me, there’s one semi-familiar face among the contestants: Monica Lo, an HK actress and Miss Chinese International 1997. She’s competing with her on-again/off-again boyfriend of ten years, Edwin, representing Hong Kong (though they’re both originally from Toronto, Canada).

Edwin seems to be this season’s butthole, along with the loud Filipina who’s married to the African-American Navy vet. Even the executive producer called Edwin “arrogant.” [An arrogant Torontonian? No way...]

The best moment of Episode 1 took place after the Road Block challenge, which required each team to eat eight (8) baluts (fertilized duck embryos) in Manila…

Edwin [in pain]: “Ugh, I feel like crap…”

Monica: “How many did you eat?”

Edwin [about to die]: “Five…”

Monica [totally perplexed]: “Huh? I ate four. Why’d you eat five???”

So good.

Is it any surprise that they finished last? [Yay, Hong Kong...]

Actually, the surprise is that they finished at all. Fortunately for Team Beauty & The Butthole it was a non-elimination leg, so they have one more episode to grab some pub before fading back into obscurity. I’m torn: can I root for the Hong Kong team even though Edwin’s a Canadian butthole? Aargh, what kind of choice is that??

Man, this U.S. television writers’ strike is killing me…

The other day on Dave Dameshek’s sports radio show, Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, mentioned an idea I have been kicking around a while:  recording snarky commentaries to movies and posting them on the web for people to listen to while they watch the same film.  It’s kind of a variation of Mystery Science Theater 3000, or what Frazier Smith does with the Rose Parade every year on KLSX.  I’d try to do it with Hong Kong movies, though, and other Asian media.  Unfortunately, I don’t quite have the time, and I’d probably need a co-commentator to banter with.  The Hong?  But he’s like 8,000 miles away right now…

Anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of Asian television lately:  Parental Guidance, a Singaporean sitcom co-starring HK television actress Jessica Hsuan, as well as The Amazing Race Asia (Season 1).  Good stuff.  I also purchased the first two seasons of the British version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? on DVD.  They need more TV improv shows in Asia.  Celebrity roasts, too.  I was watching a rerun of the New York Friars Club Roast of Drew Carey and I was thinking what Jeff Ross could do to Edison Chen…if Jeff Ross knew who the [bleep] Edison Chen was.

I was flipping through channels this evening when I came across the Nickelodeon sitcom Zoey 101, which stars one Jamie Lynn Spears. You may have heard of Ms. Spears.  She’s been in the news lately.

There were rumors that Nickelodeon was going to axe Zoey 101 because of Jamie Lynn’s recent “situation,” but apparently this isn’t necessarily the case. Is there going to be a “very special episode” of Zoey 101 dealing with Zoey’s unplanned pregnancy in the future? It’d be a brain-lacerating shift in the tone of the show…so let’s hope so!

Zoey 101 seems to be one of those frothy sitcoms about a group of high schoolers, i.e. “the gang,” and the shenanigans they engage in while living their everyday lives. Basically, it’s this prepubescent generation’s Saved By The Bell or Seize The Day. The show is set at Pacific Coast Academy (PCA), a Malibu boarding school, and some of the episode descriptions on Wikipedia are priceless. For example:

After a fire burns down PCA’s sushi bar, Zoey and the gang hold a people auction to raise money to rebuild it.

First, note the classic sitcom plot device in which some beloved hangout burns to the ground. Very original. Of course, since it’s Malibu, it’s also exceptionally probable. Still, they might have tried something a little more unique to California or the beachfront locale, like an earthquake or a mudslide or maybe even a tsunami. A tsunami would have folded in nicely with the demise of a sushi bar. [The sea strikes back!]

Wait, a sushi bar?? Okay, I know it’s a boarding school, and a Malibu one at that, but still…at a high school? I remember high school and the quality of food that they served. Based on that, I would never trust high school sushi. How many students do you think died of food poisoning each semester at PCA? Fifteen?

Finally, note this euphamism: “people auction.” (Read: slave auction.) A classic high school fundraising device! Uh, when did it become okay to parrot the racist practices of the Antebellum South so that the cheer squad could raise money for its nefarious purposes? Wasn’t there an entire Civil War fought over this? 2.2 million Union soldiers are spinning around in their graves…

Well, if high schoolers insist on raising funds by holding “people auctions,” then at least they can learn a valuable life lesson in the process. And it is this: anyone can be bought; every person has his price.

Yay, high school slave auctions. What’s next–lynchings for band camp?

Before we end this entry, a couple more absurd Zoey 101 episode description from Wikipedia…

Paige at PCA: A science star named Paige considers attending PCA and is going to install her new energy converter to make PCA run on Paige-power. This upsets Quinn so she decides to rebel when she realizes that she may no longer be the smartest girl on campus and she gives up science. Meanwhile, Michael thinks he’s going crazy.

Zoey’s Ribs: After a deceased relative of Zoey’s sends her tons of boxes of ribs, Zoey, Chase, Michael, and Logan agree to have a rib cook-off. After a fierce feud between Michael and Logan, they decide to compete against each other with Zoey on Michael’s team, and Chase on Logan’s. Quinn accidentally blows Mark’s eyebrows off in an experiment gone awry.

Zoey’s Baby: Because Chase was too slow to reveal his feelings for her, Zoey decides to make him jealous by having unprotected premarital sex with Casey, a student at the local community college.  [Repeatedly.] After Zoey experiences morning sickness, Quinn creates a homemade pregnancy test that confirms Zoey’s worst fears: Dustin’s going to be an uncle…and she’s going to be a mother. Lola and Michael are shocked that Zoey would knock boots with someone who can legally vote, while Logan offers to pay for an abortion. Meanwhile, Zoey’s long-lost, whacked-out older sister Britney goes insane and purposefully shaves off her hair as her life goes off the rails.

Stay tuned for a very special episode of Zoey 101…

I traveled back to the ol’ hometown for the holidays. It was a nostalgic trip. Saw some old friends, converted some old video tapes to DVD, and marveled at the thorough Koreanization of the communities sitting on the border of LA and Orange Counties. One friend, who lives in the coveted (and expensive) Fullerton Joint Union School District, described the current student body of Sunny Hills High School this way: “It’s Koreans and Mexicans…and that’s it.”

Speaking of high school…

Back then I was a budding investigative journalist/fiction writer/propagandist. After rummaging through my files, I pulled out an article about prom that I wrote/made up for the April Fool’s Day issue of my high school’s newspaper. Perhaps the most brilliantly absurd garbage I ever wrote in high school. An excerpt:

Entertainment for that special night will be varied. The evening will start out with Lefty, The One-Armed Juggler. World-renowned and superbly skilled, ol’ Lefty is most famous for his mastery of juggling chainsaws and ultra-sharp household utensils.

Next will come the smooth big-band sounds of Lenny P. Lesentia and his Band of Dementia. We’re very fortunate to get Lenny, who’s currently on a world tour and was stopping over at the Grease Pit Bar & Grill just down the street from Wiz’s. Lenny’s hits include Get This Texan Off My Leg, The Sumo Polka, and Where’s That Boa Constrictor…Aaargh!

[Wong: Wiz's = Wizneuwski's Laundromat, Sushi Bar, and Rib Parlor, the venue for this imaginary prom.]

Where’s That Boa Constrictor…Aaargh!??? Someone bring me the head of Joseph Pulitzer! Because no ordinary Prize is good enough for journalistic brilliance like that.

Anyway…

While we were watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, it was revealed that my cousin was once elementary school classmates with Stacy Ferguson, a.k.a. Fergie of the Black-Eyed Peas. Sometime after elementary school – I’m guessing the 7th grade – her “highness” The Dutchess became addicted to crystal meth. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Aside from her crystal meth addiction, another interesting thing about Fergie is her apparent addiction to that faux urban ghetto accent she was speaking with. C’mon, Stacy! You’re from Hacienda Heights, California! The Six-Two-Six! It’s got a Beard Papa’s! There ain’t no ghetto in the country with a Beard Papa’s!