Here’s a tip:  skip the first fifteen minutes, which is filled with boring chitchat about what we did over the winter break.  After that, things get explicit when The Wong and The Hong talk about…

1. Chat Roulette (The Hong almost sees a man’s genitals!)
2. Chinese New Year, PRC-Style (The Wong almost gets maimed by a Bouncing Betty/defective firework!)
3. Sports (Gymnastics/Tennis/Volleyball)
4. Musical Instruments (Violas/Organs)
5. Musicals (Cole Porter’s Anything Goes/West Side Story/Dongbei Story)

Like I said:  you might want to skip the first 15 minutes.  And the last 15 minutes.  Maybe just skip the whole thing altogether.  In other words, we are rusty—and we were pretty horrible to begin with!

By the way, I’m thinking of bringing on a special guest to spice things up:  Miss Chang (a.k.a. the GF).  Next Time:  The Hong, Chang & Wong Show???

In this episode of The Hong & Wong Show, the fellas discuss:

1. The Wong’s trip to South Korea
2. The Wong’s encounter with Anthony Bourdain
3. The Hong’s Thanksgiving Dinner
4. The Future

In other news, I have decided that for this upcoming semester of Chinese study, I am going to wear a bandana every day to class.

In this episode, recorded on the eve of the 60th anniversary of Red China’s founding, the guys discuss:

1. H1N1 in China:  Problem or Solution?
2. The Wong’s Trip to Seoul, South Korea: A Preview
3. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.  Um, A Feral Mongolian Child? (Or, Dining with The Hong’s Classmates)

Interspersed throughout are the usual:  The Hong’s blowhard rantings and The Wong’s uncomfortable chortling.

Enjoy.

The Wong wins.

Some things that I did there:  survived Chungking Mansions.  Visited my tailor for the first time in a decade.  Nearly died of dehydration on The Peak.  Met a billionaire’s wife (at a church, of all places, that meets on the top floor of Hong Kong’s second tallest building, which the billionaire owns).  Hiked Lamma Island.  Surveyed Macau from the top of its Tower.  Had my picture snapped with Winnie the Pooh.  Indulgences:  smoked salmon; tapas; barbequed ribs; ribeye steak; sushi; a ton of English-language books.

Guess which of the following souvenir t-shirts I bought?

1. I [heart] HK
2. Bruce Lee Is My Homeboy
3. 毛主席万岁!  [Long Live Chairman Mao!]
4. [Mickey Mouse executing a flying kung-fu kick]
5. All of the above.

Hmm, Facebook seems be blocked here in Harbin.  I blame the Uighurs.

In other news, after being completely emasculated (twice), Mr. Nice Guy has turned to drinking.  As for me and Miss Chang (The Adorable), I wish things were Nice ‘n’ Easy; instead, they’re de-lovely, but complicated.  It might be back to South Korea for another road trip this fall…

1. Mr. Nice Guy, her colleague/”best friend”/chauffeur, made his move two or three days ago and went all-in.  Apparently, either his girlfriend disappeared, he got rid of her, or she never existed, and then he made a play for Miss Chang’s affections.  You, me, and Ray Charles’s corpse could see this coming.  Is a guy ever that nice to a girl, who he only sees as a friend?  Of course not.  He hung around her and treated her nicely in the hopes that one day her eyes would be opened to the fact that The One and Only Love of Her Life was always right under her nose.  Unfortunately for Mr. Nice Guy, she rejected him like Yao Ming before his feet imploded.  And now apparently, their friendship is over, he’s angry and bitter, and they pretty much don’t talk anymore.

Awesome.

Now if I were him, I’d be persistent like all get-out, come back at her like Jason Voorhees, and try to wear her down.  But since I’m The Wong, and he’s my competition, I want to head him off at the pass, cut him down at the knees, pump several bullets into his brain, and burn the body beyond recognition, so that he ain’t never, ever—and I mean ever—comin’ back.

Slight complication, though:  in three days, I’m heading to Hong Kong for a week and half vacay, so who knows what’s going to transpire.  What’s Mr. Nice Guy’s next move going to be?  And how can I preemptively counter-act that right now?  I’m thinking about giving him some of the paleface’s firewater as well as some smallpox-infected blankets to incapacitate him, but I’m open to other suggestions.

2.  Shameless Flirting.  So at lunch today, I asked Miss Chang if there was anything she wanted from Hong Kong that I could bring back for her.  Her answer:  a diamond ring(!).  And then she said she was just joking.  Mmrmph.

I also offered to accompany her on a visit to Hong Kong, if her plans to study abroad fell through; of course, we would have to get separate hotel rooms.  She objected, saying that that would be too expensive and that we could just share a room(!).  And then she said that she was just joking.  Again.  Ergh.

That Miss Chang, she’s a funny one…  And that wasn’t even the shameless flirting part.  That’s what I was doing. For example…

3. I presented her with a bilingual edition of The Book as an end-of-semester gift.  Smooth, right?  She seemed interested, but who really knows?  But, man, if she turned on that and joined The Family, then it would be on—I mean, so on.  You thought today’s flirting was shameless?  You ain’t seen nothin’ until The Wong turns the charm knob up to 11.

1. Apartment Hunting in Harbin
2. The Wong’s Continuing Interactions With Miss Chang
3. The Hong Reflects On Three Years in China
4. A Very Special Announcement…

Have a great summer!